Where are the white picket fences? (thoughts on prematurely losing a loved one)

Who came up with the idea of white picket fences representing some kind of domestic bliss? Maybe I'm too cynical, but that sort of perfection doesn’t really seem to exist in this world. You may think you've found the perfect piece of land; a great view, low taxes...But the moment you start building that fence and opening those cans of white paint you realize that your neighbor is a gun nut, with paranoia issues.

I wasn’t always this cynical, I grew up believing in a world of white picket fences. To me, heaven is a Chagnon family party. Five big families jammed into a house (which is undoubtedly still in the middle of some phase of construction) filled with lots of laughter, spirits and maybe a game of "murder in the dark" happening upstairs.

There was very little about this past week that felt like this vision.

It felt like a women you love getting torn apart by a horrible disease.

Watching your father lose his big sister.

Watching two sons and a daughter wonder why basic decisions are suddenly so difficult to make.

Watching a husband so lost that he seemed to be walking in circles.

These days white picket fences are about as real to me as winning lottery tickets. You can't win if you don't play...but nobody ever seems to wins.

Silver linings are more my speed. They are the acknowledgement that while nothing is ever right, if you look around there's still beauty in even the darkest situations.

There was a moment last Monday as we all sat around waiting for that horrible moment to arrive, that I was told a story so funny, so absolutely hysterical that I will laugh about it for years to come.

And that laughter is the true heaven on this earth, for me. It's my silver lining. That is the heaven that our 5 families built together over the last 60+ years.

I've received many gifts from Nora over the years. But that connection we have as a family, that Nora and everyone else worked hard to make real, that is the silver lining that keeps me going. The gift from her that I will cherish forever.



Nora Chagnon- Tenk
June 17, 1943 - February 17, 2010
RIP

Night Surfing

Just about once per week I wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling back asleep. I think its anxiety related because my heart is usually pounding when it happens. It never seems to be related to a dream; at least that I can remember.

I usually, try to fall back asleep, then realize that I'm parched, so I hobble* to the kitchen and slug half a Nalgene full of ice cold water from the fridge. It's at this point that I typical realize that I'm not falling asleep anytime soon, so I grab my eye glasses on my way back to bed and turn on the television.

Television in the middle of the night is tricky when you only have basic cable. Ninety percent of the channels are typically "Paid Programming" at that hour, which, unless you have enough weed to make Infomercials about the Slap Chop or that paranoid nut-bar Kevin Trudeau (who is convinced he's cured every human disease...and "The Man" is out to get him because of it) interesting, then you really need to hunt around.

I like to avoid shows that will keep me up. Sportscenter which runs on a continuous loop after midnight seems to be designed to pump up the viewer. Quick cuts, music, flashy graphics, and former steroid pumping commentators that still have a bit of the "rage" coursing through their veins do nothing to help me fall back asleep.

Comedy Central also needs to be avoided since after midnight they start running the nonstop "Girls Gone Wild" loop. Where are these bars with scantily clad eighteens ready to lift their shirts at the drop of a tequila shot? One of my favorite parts of this soft-core tease-fest is the bright red jiggling "Girls Gone Wild" graphic logo that gets plopped over these inebriated girls breasts at the moment they are fully exposed. As you can imagine this is also not “lull yourself back to sleep” television.

Occasionally you can find a grouping of two or three Law & Order episodes (can they ever show just one?). A few years back I was dating a women who was clearly too young for me. One day she told me that Law & Order was a modern day "Matlock". The type of show that old people plan their entire day around. "Gotta be back from the Senior Center in time for Law & Order". I took offense to this only because I knew it was true. But it didn’t stop me from watching (I love that show). Law & Order is definitely a perfect late night snoozer primarily because you can watch it with your eye's closed. It relies heavily on dialogue and the show structure never changes (crime> investigation> court> repeat).

Another safe bet for late night is PBS. Why is it the only time I can ever find something worth watching on PBS is at 3am or in the middle of their fund raising drives? I never seem to find Frontline @ 8pm when I really want to watch TV? It must be in their mission statement or hardwired into their corporate doctrine to develop programming with muted emotional plains. Nothing ever gets too wild on PBS which makes it ideal for someone desperately trying to fall asleep, but too uncomfortable with their own thoughts to lay there in silence.

Last night PBS showed the “some people call it a cult classic but I'm not sure why” film "Luke and Brie Are on a First Date" (2008). This movie falls into the mumblecore genre. That's right, I said mumblecore. Wikipedia describes mumblecore as:

"...an American independent film movement that arose in the early 2000s. It is primarily characterized by ultra-low budget production... focus on personal relationships between twenty-something’s, improvised scripts, and non-professional actors...Film journalists have also used the terms "bedhead cinema", and "Slackavetes," a reference to independent film director John Cassavetes."

Didn’t John Cassavetes play Jesus in Mel Gibson’s The Passion, or was that James Caviezel?

How do all of these sub genres get classified? Is there an official process or is it purely on the whim of the journalists charged with describing all this art in our world? Sometimes it feels like there are as many sub genres as there are films.

Did you know there is, like 30 different sub genres of Metal music? Drone metal, Sludge metal, Grindcore and Funk Metal are just a few. Why does it seem that this ultrafine level of classification doesn't really help me?

For example, I love Stoner Metal pioneers Fu Manchu. But knowing that they're considered to be part of that genre has done little to help me find other bands to enjoy. It's probably because bands rarely fit into one genre. Maybe I like Fu Manchu because they are a little Stoner Metal and a little Skate Punk with touches of Garage Punk. Where as a band like Kyuss, who is considered the quintessential Stoner Rock band, tends to have more Doom Metal and Psychedelic Rock influences.

All of this sub genre talk is making my head hurt. I think it’s bed time.

*Leg soreness, probably associated with poor leg circulation...don't get me started on my fears that I have COPD

My Laptop is a WHORE

I started sleeping with my computer last week. I'm so embarrassed that it took me five minutes of arguing with myself to even type that first sentence. At first I told myself it was a stupid mistake brought on by too much booze (I knew when we got those dollar nippers of Kettle One Vodka at MtRdW&S* they'd be trouble). But I never thought I'd end up in bed with my own computer. I feel so reckless and irresponsible. If something ever happened, something bad, how would I ever explain my behavior to my family and friends?

I know this is lame to say, but it's really not my fault. It's all the fault of that evil raconteur J.J. Abrams! For so many years I've pretended that he didn't exist. I ignored his television shows and disregarded his movies. "I don't have time for that 'weird' show", I'd say about Lost. "Cloverfield looks stupid", "I hate that 'handheld' shit". "It makes me nauseous". I had no overwhelming desire to see his take on Star Trek, despite reading the rumors about how obsessed he was with the series. "Star Trek without Bill Shatner?! That should be against the LAW!".

The first brick in my "I don't care about Abrams" wall fell when Netflix delivered me Cloverfield. I was disappointed at myself for letting my Netflix Queue get so out of control that I'd let this movie get delivered. I'd probably send It back unwatched, I figured. Then came one of those lazy dog danglin' weekends. I was in such desperate need for a entertainment that I lowered my standards. The movie is far from perfect, but it definitely sucked me in. It had been sometime since I'd seen a "monster destroys city" movie, and when I say a long time, I'm talkin' Saturday mornings in the early 80's watching Godzilla destroy Tokyo in my Incredible Hulk PJ's. I was really blown away by Abrams use of special effects, especially his knack for making you feel like you're in the effect instead of just watching it.

A couple weeks later I was invited over a friends house to watch Abrams Star Trek. This was an invitation I could not skip. My friend is a gadget guy, and has a SERIOUS television setup in his basement. I'm talking about a 50+ inch plasma with a kicking surround sound. I'm pretty certain that he rattles his neighbors windows when his daughter watches Dora The Explorer on this rig. Star Trek was my Abrams turning point. It knocked down my wall of doubt regarding the director like a kiloton blast. It had everything I want in an action movie. The stunts, the effects, comedy and drama. Driving home from that movie is when I started kicking myself for not giving "Lost" a chance.

When I started seeing the commercials advertise the sixth and final season, I realized that I had to take charge of the situation. Netflix to the rescue!! Netflix has the entire series available to stream online. A lot of people are discouraged by watching TV on the computer, but I'm actually very comfortable with it. I've got a nice setup where I can watch it comfortably from my recliner...and still have a ball game on my regular television (I'm a huge fan of multi-tasking sports and entertainment).

So my plan was hatched. Four months till the series finale, 6 seasons @ 25 shows per season. That gives me 150 episodes to watch over the next 4 months, which comes out to around 9 episodes per week. Which leads me to my problem...sleeping with my computer. In an effort to squeeze in one more episode before I call it a night, has lead me to bringing my computer into my bed with me.

And like many superficial relationships, I like taking her to bed...I just don't want her to still be there when I wake up.

*Mountain Road Wine & Liquor. Seymour CT (my part time volunteer job)